If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
