proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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