my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize