don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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