hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
