Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
