i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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