Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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