I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
