Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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