It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
