i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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