Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
We left the knife in your bed.
You need a sexual gate keeper
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize