I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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