mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
