I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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