I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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