FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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