wakey wakey hands off snakey
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
