and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
