Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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