you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
dude. I can hear the air.
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