yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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