So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Randomize
