I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
