I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
