She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
