Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
