i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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