I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
