yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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