I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Someone signed my nipple.
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