Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
