She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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