from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
