You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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