Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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