I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I need moral support for this bender
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
