One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Randomize
