So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
tell your sister to shave her snatch
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Randomize
