So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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