Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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