seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
