Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
