biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
