I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize