my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
