Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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