I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
