absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
