I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
