My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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