i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Randomize
