Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
