I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
i was born a porn star she said
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
