I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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